I found a place to move to! (plus, I m single again)

Well, the title pretty much sums things up.

Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc.

Study/work

Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out.

Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite.

My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words.

Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the following options:
1. Suspension for a few months. No scholarship payment during suspension.
2. Sick leave. Max ten days a year.
3. Switch to part time study mode. May be able to claim for half of the scholarship, but not entitled to tax exemption.

My intuition is really to take a break. Whatever it is. A suspension or switch to part time mode for a few months. I need some time out. Sick leave is not really going to be helpful. My project is long term. My health issues (sleep problem, and the gastro issues) are long term.

However, I do not want my cash flow to be affected. In a limbo now, don't know what's the right thing to do. Worse, I have no one to discuss with. Definitely not my parents as I don't want them to  be worried.

Accommodation
Got a message on gayshare just before bedtime last night. The owner of a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment messaged me to tell me to check out his place and contact him if interested.

It looked great. Very close to the train station. Brand new place. Asian gay couple.

So I went to the place to check it out this evening. The owner waited me at the train station and together we walked to his place. This was unusual because people would normally just give you their address. But the owner turned out to be a really nice guy. Very easy for us to communicate. The rapport. He's from Malaysia too, and i guess that's probably why.

The room has a huge built in wardrobe (which is great because I can finally lay out/hang my clothes properly like at the department store), a queen sized bed, the window faces the south (no glaring sunlight in the morning and in the afternoon), and he is happy to get me a desk.

As for my own private bathroom (it's located outside the room, but right next to it), it has a shower area, a toilet bowl, sink, and a BIG bathtub! I can start importing bath salts from Japan.

I like the place a lot, and to a large extent I think it's coming from the rapport with the owner. Haven't met his BF yet, a Taiwanese, but according to him, his bf is "easygoing too".

Rental works out to be about the same as what I am currently paying. And most importantly, and hopefully, I will have someone to chat with when I get home every day. Or maybe new circle of friends. I hope it's a change for the better.

I have even typed out the notice to be sent to the current landlord. Will send it out either before bed or tomorrow morning.

It's quite a major decision to make. And I think I will have to make my own decision this time. Again, there's no one to ask or discuss with.

Relationship
So this is where we left each other at about two weeks ago: It was a weekend evening, he came to pick me up at uni, came back to my place, parked his car, and we took a bus to get to the city for the CNY night market. The whole way, STRESS was written all over my face. He didn't seem to care, nor did he ask any questions about how I was feeling. On the bus, we did not talk. When we got to there at the bus stop, he said direction A is closer, while I insisted to go direction B, which was closer in my opinion.

I walked towards B. I intentionally didn't want to look back, to see whether he was following. Unless he decided not to follow, there's absolutely no way he could have lost me.

But he lost me. I didn't care. I walked into Daiso to buy a usb fan. He called. And started the whole drama. Claimed that I intentionally walked away without him. Claimed that he didn't see where I was heading. Demanded me to walk back to the original point. Refused to let in. And the drama persisted for more than 30 mins.

Throughout, I was feeling EXTREMELY tired and annoyed. Why couldn't him be more understanding and considerate. I was already struggling with all the negativity inside me when he picked me up. Why did he still want to blow things up? You didn't care didn't ask, fine! But at least, don't agitate me!

The drama continued for the next few hours. Text messages were thrown back and forth. He blamed me I blamed him. I remember saying this to him: "Yes, I may be selfish, but you have no LOVE for me". I still think that validly summarised how I felt at that point. I was selfish indeed. To have my mood affected by, technically MY OWN issues. I failed to put on a cheerful face the moment u picked me up. I failed to separate my work-related stress, health related stress from YOU.

But, you on the other hand, through what you did and did not do, effectively told me that you don't want to be involved in MY OWN issues and mellow. You would rather not ask.

Perhaps some examples would illustrate what I meant by him 'not caring about My issues'.

• When his sister needed to have her wisdom tooth pulled out, he mentioned it once, as soon as I got home, I quickly looked up my records and forwarded the contact details of the surgeon to him. 
• His mum needed to see a GP who could speak cantonese/mandarin. I did the same. 
• He wanted to purchase a health insurance, I did the research, and told him of the comparisons, best deal, etc. 
• He said that dehydrated bones are good for his dog. His dog is quite old already and have dental problems. When I saw the bones one day when doing grocery shopping, I bought them for him. Buying is easy. But what one doesn't see is the effort and care that I put in. I carefully read the packaging, made sure everything is fine, and chose the 'best' packet among the others. 

I am not trying to be calculative, and I definitely don't keep a detailed record of all the above. I am simply trying to illustrate my point about Care. I love you, I care about not only you but the people and things surrounding you. I want the best for you. 

But lately, as I complained about my issues with sleep, the need for me to do a colonoscopy, the problem with insurance, my phd work, my accommodation issues, etc. I couldn't really feel that he Cared. Well, to be fair, he did listen. He did say "oh, don't need to stress", but that's it. 

He wouldn't have taken the trouble to search for potential accommodation for me (like what i did for his insurance, i know it's different but still...) He did not know what was going on with my abdomen pain, he didn't know which doctor i visited, he didn't know what I was doing with my insurance, etc. He wasn't quite involved in MY own things. 

A week after we fought, last Monday, he emailed me and say "hi, when is your thesis defence?". 

I didn't even bother to reply. Not that I was heartless. But I didn't know what to tell him and where to begin. Because, a lot had happened by the time he finally contacted me. By the time he contacted me, I had cried countless times, I had been feeling so upset and stressed, I had also gathered to courage to talk to my supervisors about the issues I am facing. 

I felt that he existence was Indifferent to my problems. I was not supported during the times when I needed him the most. What's the point of re-appearing after all that that I had been through? 

And that was the day I made an appointment for my colonoscopy. Obviously, he didn't even remember that I needed to do a colonoscopy. How sad and how true. 

Two days ago, I missed a call from him. I called him back that night, but obviously he forgot to 'unblock' me on his phone. 

He called me again last night. I answered his call. There was no substance in what he was saying. Simply asked me whether I wanted him to leave me alone. 

Hello?! You are either LOVE ME as much as you could, or, if you are not sure whether i deserve your love, then LEAVE ME. Why made me suffer like this? 

Why did he even ask me whether I wanted him to leave me alone? Didn't he know what he wanted? Perhaps, to him, it's really indifferent whether I am or am not with him. 

Technically, I am single. Not because I wanted it or I declared it. It was him who said that we never got back together. Technically we are not in a relationship. Before this, I didn't want to 'admit' it. I treated him the same way I would have treated him if he's (technically) my bf. But today, I want to say it out loud. I want to write it down here. That, I am single. 

I don't think there's a need to inform him that I have moved. Let me just 'exit' all these quietly. Perhaps, this is the way he wanted too.